Seduce This
by Star Rhapsody
Summary: Trying to seduce Mugen was like trying to seduce a rock. But at least rocks got hard. Crack!fic


AN: **READ THIS PLEASE – IT WILL HELP THE FIC MAKE MORE SENSE. **Some crack Samurai Champloo fan fiction. Also, there's some talk of "elements" in here. Basically, Taoists believed that there were five elements that a person could be made up of which were: wood, fire, water, metal, and earth. These elements exist in everyone, but some are more prominent than others if you will. Too much of one element can lead to a totally messed up person, etc. And naturally, each element gives a person different characteristics and so on and so forth, but I'm not going to go into too much detail. It _is _a crack fic, after all.

Disclaimer: I don't own Samurai Champloo.

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><p><strong>Seduce This<strong>

"Fuu. You're drunk," Jin calmly observed.

Fuu let out a tipsy squeak which was _supposed _to be a laugh but got stuck halfway up her throat resulting in the squeak-like noise.

"No I'm _not_," she slurred, waving around the saucer causing sake to fly out everywhere. Jin barely twitched as a few drops splattered on his glasses. "_Besides_," Fuu stated, very matter-of-factly, "_Mugen _said I wouldn't even get _buzzed_." She snorted, and as if to reaffirm Mugen's scientific approach, she tossed back the rest of the sake.

Jin withdrew his mind from the present, willing himself to go to a happier place, one where Fuu and Mugen and sake didn't exist. _Oh god, sake…_

"OH SHIT!"

Jin barely quirked a brow.

"The sake's gone." Fuu turned the bottle upside down as if the last few drops were hidden in a secret compartment of the bottle. Drunken people always seemed the most desperate – and inventive – when it came to obtaining more alcohol.

Jin was relieved nonetheless. Hopefully the sad lack of sake would put a curve on her tipsy-tendencies for the rest of the night. And Mugen was nowhere to be seen, which was probably for the best. _No, it is certainly for the best_. At least now he could actually attempt to get some damn sleep.

But Fuu wasn't having any of it. Now that she had gotten herself fairly drunk, she figured it the was prime philosophical talking hour.

"You know what pisses me off?" Jin wasn't going to answer that one. "_Mugen_," she snarled. "Let me tell you _why_ – Jin, are you even _listening _to me?" She hiccupped, quickly excusing herself. ("Ladies always excuse themselves." _Yeah, well, ladies don't get pissed drunk_). "Ugh, I mean, he _always _disappears on us! How many times have we been left to pick up the tab, huh?"

She fell silent for a few moments, and Jin vaguely wondered if she was en route to an alcohol-induced coma.

"You know, my mother would say Mugen has too much fire in his personality. That's probably it," she nodded. "If he were _balanced_, he'd be alright, you know?" Jin certainly didn't know. "Mother always said I had more earth in me than anything, but not too much to get off balance, but my dad definitely had too much metal. I think that's why she always looked down on metal the most," Fuu sighed.

Jin figured she may as well have been speaking Greek.

"Dunno about you though. Maybe wood…maybe water…" Fuu shrugged. "I couldn't really tell."

And then just as a sort of stillness began to set over the pair, Mugen hurtled into the room, swigging a bottle of sake.

Fuu's eyes flared in annoyance while Jin chose to settle for a half-lidded _I'm-going-to-ignore-him_ expression.

"Oh, look who finally decided to come back!" Fuu snarled. "The _least _you could've done was saved some for me!"

Mugen snorted. "I did, bitch! See?" He shook the sake bottle, and sure enough, the tell-tale sound of swishing liquid could be heard inside. "Don't drink it all, you cow!" He sputtered when Fuu swiped the bottle out of his hands, already working on chugging some. If Jin weren't so horrified by the amount of alcohol she was consuming, he'd be impressed by her tolerance level.

"I'll show _you _who's a cow," she muttered, letting Mugen relinquish control of the sake again.

"Yeah, whatever," Mugen shot back. "There's no _way _you could've compared to the babe at the bar tonight. She was _hot_." Mugen sighed, leaning back against the wall, sake bottle completely glued to his hand. Fuu scrunched her nose.

"Oh really?" She slurred, scooting in front of Mugen, leaving her back to Jin who was fully alert now. _What could she possibly be doi…oh no…_

Fuu had easily straddled Mugen's prone figure, working away at the bow around her waist. In a matter of seconds, she had the tie undone and was pulling off her kimono with no reservations. Even Mugen seemed to have blanched at the sight of her bare chest.

"TELL ME YOU DON'T LIKE THIS!" Fuu screeched, face completely flushed from all the sake she had ingested. She had all but grasped both sides of his face, forcing him to stare at her, and honestly, he was more fearful than turned on.

"You can't possibly…can't…not…" Fuu began to drift off, eyes slowly closing. She was trying to fight the oncoming feeling of passing out, but in the end, she had lost the battle.

Jin sighed and quietly pulled her half-naked figure off of Mugen, who had also fallen victim to sleep, somewhere between Fuu's seduction and passing out.

Jin hastily rearranged the girl's kimono, making sure to not so much as graze against her bare skin. He sighed and gently set her against the floor, far from Mugen, eyes lingering on Fuu for just a moment. Hopefully, neither of them would remember this potentially mind-scarring memory.

Settling back down in his stationary position, Jin recalled Fuu's musings over wood or water.

Looking down at his lap, Jin quirked a brow.

_Definitely wood..._

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><p>AN: I am so pervy. If you didn't get the ending joke…well, it's either the fact that I didn't deliver it properly, or you're insanely youngclueless. But I'm betting it was poor delivery of the line. That's what I get for writing this while half-asleep.


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